The Weird Day of Terror

I cannot even tell you how many times Melissa and I said the word "weird" yesterday. But the climax of weirdness was saved for last. Penny and I were watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and were being very moved by the story, when suddenly Amy burst in, followed by Melissa, exclaiming that TJ and Uncle Paul were about to be murdered. We looked up in mild alarm (one has to know how to take such declarations) and Amy explained that a car had driven into the driveway and was over by the church with its lights off and had been for 20 minutes or so. Uncle Paul and TJ were going to investigate. TJ was armed with a menacing specimen from his knife and sword collection

Penny and I joined Melissa and Amy in the entryway, fruitlessly peering out into the darkness. Suddenly the tension in the house heightened as an unknown car drove into our driveway. We were relieved when Aunt Laurie walked in, but then were nervous again when she suggested we call the police. She had driven by to see if Uncle Paul needed any help, and he hadn't responded to her query, instead coughing in a furtive manner. It looked very suspicious. And as she came to our house, she saw a man walking toward the house. Pulses went up a bit. I backed up Aunt Laurie's plan to call the police, and Penny went to get Nate. If there were strange men coming toward the house, we wanted an un-strange man (well...) to be inside the house to confront him.

As Aunt Laurie was on the phone describing the situation to the police, Nate came up from the basement apartment brandishing a loaded gun. This was serious. However, by that time we realized that the man Aunt Laurie had seen was probably TJ, since Laurie hadn't seen him by the car. So we assured Nate that things weren't desperate enough for a gun yet.

Nate went out to do some quiet investigating (without the gun), and upon his return (for which I was standing by the door with a paint can raised high to bop him on the head should he be a stranger) he said the strange car was still there, but Paul was unseen. I helpfully surmised that the person in the car was eating people. Both TJ and Uncle Paul were unaccounted for.

We hovered nervously, collecting an arsenal including further specimens from TJ's collection, the marble rolling pin, and a candle snuffer.

Our fears were allayed when Aunt Laurie called to tell us TJ was at her house and had said everything was fine. Now we weren't scared, but we were in danger of death by curiosity.

Finally Uncle Paul arrived back at the house to give his side of the story. He'd gone out to find a woman who was very depressed because of recent tragedy, and who had driven in thinking this was a different church. Unfortunately, Uncle Paul could barely do his pastoral counseling with the flurry of activity surrounding him.

First Aunt Laurie drove by and called to him - he tried to assure her everything was fine. Then she drove by again, the other way. Meanwhile there were various shadows appearing and disappearing. And then, the crowning moment came when he was praying with this poor soul, and Grandpa came out onto his porch and boomed out "Don't worry, Paul, Laurie called the police!" And again, "Paul, the police are on their way, everything's okay!" The woman drove off shortly after, in no mood to be questioned by the police, and Uncle Paul returned to the house to hear our wild surmises, and to wonder where in the pastoral charge the line about confronting dangerous criminals in the driveway comes in. He's pretty sure that next time it happens it will be under the deacon's jurisdiction.